Goodbyes are Never Easy

Some goodbyes are easy, like when you send someone off to school. Some goodbyes you can’t control, like the parting of a loved one. But then there are those goodbyes that although you would love for them to hang around, you know in your heart that a better opportunity lies somewhere else.

Today was that day and although I was prepared for this goodbye it still hurt a lot. A little background. 

My youngest brother and I didn’t get along when we were younger. I would constantly tease and bully the guy. I was upset that he took my spot although I was the second oldest out of 4 kids. I just always felt I would be left out.

I also had low self esteem and when I was hell bent on being a complete jerk to him. Up until he turned eighteen I was really mean to him calling him horrible names and pushing his buttons. 

Did I enjoy it, as someone who was hurt no I did not. But then something happened he grew up and suddenly he was cool. I wanted to hang out and do all the things I never got to do with him. 

We watched wrestling, hockey, went to colllege together until my panic attacks got worse. And in that little time I regretted everything I ever did and realized I was never replaced, just a new person to love.

Today was hard, we threw a going away party for him last Saturday, and I was crying not in front of him. Part of it was because of him and part of it was because I’m still working through my breakup. 

Today was different I woke up and helped him load up, I sat on a chair in my front yard, I could never do that but I did today. I didn’t panic or anything. But I sat there and asked “god I’m in a lot of pain already, what do you want from me?” I sat there in a state of confusion and haze. Hadn’t I suffered enough? But before he left, I gave him a huge hug. We had talked about this before he left months back. 

I said “in this town there’s only so much you can get done” I love it here because it’s home but you have an opportunity and although it will be sad to see you go I want you to take it.” 

Part of my recovery is to not get so emotional when things go my way. Something I have had trouble with since I was a kid. I had no control over my emotions and am learning to be more mindful. 

Have any of my readers experienced a painful goodbye recently if so comment.

Remember goodbyes are hard, but we can make it through them.:)

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